Friday, June 8, 2012

le porcelet


Here's a little story about a not so fun time had by yours truly, because it's not always all sunshine and lollipops here in The LPV you know.

Picture this... I was in the car with The Husband and Gatz, headed down to Toulon, a tad cranky about not moving (yeah, it was that trip) but slightly perked up with the new handbag, shirt and jeans I had scored at Zara (I hadn't told you about the shirt and jeans, had I? That's because I'm sneaky) when The Husband's phone rang. It was Papa.

The Husband turned to me and said that Papa was roasting a pig on Monday (yet another holiday here, Lundi de Pentecôte) and did I want to go. Once again I found myself completely astounded by The Husband's total lack of understanding of what moving entails.

Me: Let me get this straight, Papa is roasting a pig on Monday and you want to go?

The Husband: Oui

Me: You know we're moving right?

The Husband: OK, we won't go. This was said with a full on pout followed by, le huff and puff.

Me: Fine, we'll go, but I'm not going to be able to stay long because we're MOVING.

(I caved for two reasons; 1. I hate a pouting husband, it's like having a very large two year old stomping about and 2. even though a pig on a spit would be involved, it was still only lunch at Papa's so I figured no big deal)

But it turned out that Papa wasn't the one actually doing the pig roasting and it wasn't even at Papa's house. I only found out this vital piece of information when Gatz arrived on Monday to accompany us (he is with us all the time, like A L L  T H E  T I M E) and I mentioned that I had to run out to buy a bottle of wine to bring, Gatz asked why, and I said because it was polite, and then he said that we weren't going to Papa's house.

Hold up. What?

It was the butcher who was having the pig roast, out in a field somewhere, and he wasn't roasting one pig, he was roasting four pigs for like, a hundred people.

I turned to The Husband who gave me the, 'oh did I forget to mention all that' look.

We arrived at the field and sure enough, there were the pigs and the hundred people drinking rosé and beer (not the pigs, the people). But I decided to embrace the experience, grabbed a rosé and turned my frown upside down until... I saw one man going off to go number one, but instead of going off far, or hiding behind a tree or something, he just walked about twenty feet away from everybody, turned his back to us and whizzed, right there, then other guys followed suit. Gross. Do you think any of these guys happen to carry antibacterial gel around in their pockets? I doubt it.

After a couple of hours of apéro, a few large bowls of salad were put out on a table. I grabbed my plate and got in line, but the butcher had forgot to bring spoons for the salad so he dropped a plastic cup in each one.

As I looked at the fingers of the lady in front of me get all up in the salad as she tried to spoon it out with the cup, I thought about all the men that were peeing, and not washing there hands. No thank you. I left the line and the pee pee salad to everyone else.

I was starving, and ready for the pig. Thankfully Papa's BFF, The Portuguese, shouted that the first one would be ready in a few minutes as he and Brother-in-Law pulled it off of the spit and carried it over to a table.

Now here's a question... why would The Portuguese be in charge of carving the pig instead of the actual butcher who would be some what of an expert at carving things? Who knows but that poor pig was hacked to pieces in the most disgusting way.

I walked up to the table to find The Portuguese standing behind the hacked carcass, smiling, totally chuffed with himself, and I looked down to see the head of the pig sitting up straight up, staring at the sky, blood spilling all over the place, and flies, everywhere. Like E V E R Y W H E R E. The whole thing looked like one big, scary, health code violation, so I turned around and left.

See that photo above, that was by far the best part of the day; spoon feeding my buddy La Petite, even if she was completely disinterested with my awesome airplane technique.
bisou
P.S. If you would like to see a photo of the pigs, check out my Facebook page

24 comments:

  1. You have quite the parties in your part of Provence what we pee pee salad and 4 hacked up pigs. Sounds yummy! I do love the picture of you feeding La Petite, you seem a natural. Have a good day.

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  2. Oh My!! No move, no food??? Did La Petite share her safe meal with you?? You are definitely the Most Patient Wife ever!! Do you think the fact that you turn threatening life events into great and entertaining posts make you so cool and understanding? Well, maybe I should start a blog!!
    You're the best!

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  3. Oh my goodness, that is hilarious. But I'm guessing more so in hindsight for you. :) I about died at the "le huff and puff." Too funny.

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  4. God, how disgusting. I wonder how many people felt a bit funny later on (or worse), or whether they are so used to lack of hygiene their stomachs are lined with lead.

    I would have been hunting out an unopened bag of crisps...

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  5. Oh no...so no pig :(

    p.s have you seen i'm moving to the alps come the winter, so it looks like I might need a tutor too!

    xx

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  6. Such a good start to my day reading this - really made me laugh - the pee pee salad....I just pictured the scene (my reaction would have been just the same!)
    http://missbbobochic.blogspot.co.uk/

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  7. This is about the time I would have made a run to Le McDo and called it a day! :)

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  8. What with the Pigs head, the flies and the boys behaving badly - I'm getting a very 'Lord of the Flies' vibe from all of this.
    Did you at least get to hold the conch???

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  9. I think the pee salad would have grossed me out more than the pig but still. I do hope you gave the dear husband a good ol' huff and puff of your own!

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  10. so you're telling me you didnt eat the pee salad OR the flie-covered-blood-spewing-pig? what a snob!

    i am totally kidding. this post made me almost want to vomit! your husband owes you another zara bag for that one....and some jeans...and some shoes!

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  11. sounds like an experience anyway : ):)

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  12. AAARGHH, that is like my worst nightmare. I once had an in-law family member come straight out of the loo (not going into bathroom next door to wash hands), then at the lunch table got into the garlic bread with gusto, breaking it all up with his hands and passing it out to everyone. I passed on the pee-and-penis bread. Now that I'm older, I would totally say why to his face. Bleurrrrrrrgh.

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  13. OMG! So funny and .. YUK (poor you!) and just like our guys to say "thought I told ya.." I can relate!

    Darling picture of you and your sweet pea :)

    leslie

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  14. YUCK. And what a shame!! Roasting pig is a delicacy - minus the pee pee salad (LOL!) and blood spills.

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  15. Hahahaha Sara you are so so so funny! You should turn these funny stories into a novel so I can laugh my head off before going to bed at night!

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  16. Pee pee salad and blood pork... Cannot imagine why you weren't hungry? You should totally borrow everyone's recipes and write an LPV cookbook. You know the Americans are all about Authentic. plus throw the back stories in with the recipes? I smell success! (and it smells better than file covered pork).

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  17. Pig heads bleeding out??? Geez. I'm like the least germophobic human being ever but between all you mentioned, I would have been running for the closest McDonalds...

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  18. Haha the "oh and I forget to mention that" look! Mmm,, that sounds so good :)

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  19. Does not sound like you enjoyed the day..... Happy moving Diane

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  20. Oh my goodness. That sounds a little more than slightly disgusting.

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  21. Did the baby share her food? At least it was sanitary... lol

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  22. I am dying. Not only because I would have felt the SAME way, but because your moving as delayed for a pig roast, you know, something totally normal :)

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  23. so funny but yuk! pee pee salad and insecty pig - no wonder you turned it down! you must have been starving!! Hope the moving in is going smoothly now!

    Sharon
    xxxx

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  24. Oddly enough the whole thing is completely plausable to me. Try a 'party' in Africa. The health code issue is worse, much worse!
    I hate thse situations where you think you're getting one thing and the reality is completely different.

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