Wednesday, April 13, 2011

what i've been up to

{my moment of zen}
Normally I'm here more than this, and I know this, but I'm still not quite 'me' yet. I really want to be though, both 'me' and 'here'. And I'm happy to report that yesterday morning was the first time I woke up at 6 a.m., a 'me' time. Since being back, I've been sleeping until after 9 a.m. and waking groggy from the sleeping pills (not that I like pills, but they were the only thing that was stopping the tossing and turning because counting the sheep that are gazing outside my window hasn't even helped). And sleeping in until 9 a.m. messes with the head of an early bird, routine freak like me.

So let's see... I spent the first two days back sleeping. That was nice. I felt exhausted and so I slept, with ease. And then it was like I slept myself out, and couldn't sleep anymore, so the tossing and turning started, and then the groggy mornings. And the groggy mornings turned into strange wandering days.

It's a weird space in time. It's like, my world stopped because my daddy died, but the rest of the world keeps spinning, and if you don't find away to hop back on, you get left behind. So that's been me, trying to hop back on, I feel like I'm the girl next up on double-dutch. I'm watching the jump ropes spinning spinning spinning, and I'm pacing the rhythm, and ready to jump in, but I can't quite get my timing right, so I stand watching, and waiting.

Most of my days I've spent walking in circles around my house, not able to sit still and let my mind rest, but not able to focus on any one task. Except for ironing and vacuuming, that's been easy (how very fun for me). It's been warm here and the wrinkly warm weather clothes have all been unpacked and  ironed while I re-watched seasons one and two of Real Housewives of New Jersey (that Danielle is coocoo for cocopuffs isnt' she?). And since Fifty has decided to take off his winter coat, the non-stop vacuuming has been keeping me busy. It would be really nice if he would just unzip it and hang it up instead of taking it off in furry pieces and leaving it all over the floor. We'll have to work on that for next year.

But I haven't been a complete walking around in circles hermit. Le Petit Village has come out of hibernation so there was a BBQ at The Honey House where Mr Honey tut-tut-ted at the Spanish wine I brought (only French wine for Mr Honey you know) and a BBQ at Brother-in-Law's where I got to give La Petite her bath, which definitely has been the highlight of the last few weeks. And guess who she looks like... Papa! That's who.

And that's me right now. 

I'm here, but I'm not really 'here' if you get my drift. 

Soon though. 

I hope. 

bisou

47 comments:

  1. Time. It just takes time.
    Miss T
    x

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  2. We are all here for you and we aren't going anywhere, so take your time coming back!

    Many hugs and snuggles for Fifty!

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  3. Take your time, all you need. Just take deep breath :) hugs

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  4. You'll "hop back on" when you're ready and in the meantime we're all here reading your warm, thoughtful, and of course funny posts. I loved the analogies you made in this one and the Fifty fur comments. Also, Danielle is def crazy!!!

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  5. You take your time. Even you're 'not here' is pretty damn good you know :)

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  7. Dang auto-correct. What I wanted to say was don't rush. You need this time.

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  8. You made me break into tears over my own loss last May. You will hop back on and, the good thing is, you will never forget and little things will make you remember and then it becomes beautiful and tender slivers in a day of your life as opposed to possessing you.

    Many courageous thoughts and good energy,
    Charley

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  9. Time's a good help. You'll realize you get back to being you, but it's a different sort of you, a you that has a little more history, a little more life lived. But you'll get there. And a little bit of new life never hurts at all. :)

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  10. I remember the first months after my mom died was so strange a mix of "i'm here but there with her" you see?
    Just take time , i'm sure you're able to take small signs of life after all , in your life , la petite is a good reason indeed ... But take everything , all those little thinks will make you feel alive ... I hope you will be you soon ...
    I'm with you in thoughts
    Morgane

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  11. Sara Louise, there is something so sweet about this post...very touching on many levels and for many reasons.

    You'll know when to make the lunge into the game. You'll know.

    (And yes, coocoo for cocopuffs, indeed! I saw the series last summer at my sister's while I was in the US. Yikes!)

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  12. Take your time, these things need time. BTW La petite is gorgeous.

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  13. You poor sweet Petit.
    It truly sucks then gradually, terribly you move on a little - bit by bit. Moving on doesn't mean you miss your Dad any less, nor love him any less, it just means .. umm, well, I have no friggin idea what it means, it just happens.

    Take care Sara )-:

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  14. However long it takes it how long it takes, don't let it worry you. We will all be here, whenever you're ready.

    And well done on bathing the baby, Aunty SL, that's no easy feat. They are slippery little suckers!

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  15. I enjoy reading your blog because your sunny outlook and hilarious stories always boost my mood (I live in Paris and am currently feeling beaten down by the French beauracracy, so thank you!)

    Just wanted you to know that I am sending positive energy your way. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I hope you find the jumping-on point soon!

    best wishes,
    Andrea

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  16. You just take all the time you need... but pop in when you can. Because I need to read phrases like "it would really be nice if he would just unzip it and hang it up"!!! We miss you Sara, but we're all still here and not going anywhere.

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  17. just give yourself time.


    hugs!!

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  18. Just take one day at a time, baby step it.

    glad to see you are ok.

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  19. take time - like delana said, no one is going anywhere! xx. katie

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  20. Very sorry to hear about your loss. Very truly sorry. As others have said, none of us will begrudge you the time you need to get back to yourself. Writing is both current and timeless, though, so perhaps using it will help you. I hope so.
    Take care, Victoria

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  21. Do you ever refer to Fifty as "Fiddy" ???

    p.s. I'm glad you're "back"
    *hugs*

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  22. Give time time. The world does keep on spinning but will always stop for you. Again and again.

    As often as you need it too.

    And we'll be here too.

    xo Jane

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  23. Sweet Sara, you will find you again soon. And then you'll probably thank yourself for doing so many wonderful chores around the house. ;)

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  24. perfect analogy with the double dutch thing.

    we got news this past weekend that a close friend had passed. it's hard dealing with death.

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  25. Hang in there S.L.! Hoping these spring days bring you plenty of bright sunshine and happier thoughts... still thinking of u missy!

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  26. Sara, I've also lost my dad so I understand what you are going through. I learned that grief is something you can't control, manage or put a time limit on - you just grab ahold and hang on until the ride is done.

    I love your metaphor of waiting to jump into double dutch, and I remember feeling the exact same.

    Just be kind and patient with yourself. It will get better.

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  27. I'm sorry :( sending you a big bear hug.

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  28. Sorry to hear you're feeling this way, but it's totally understandable. You have been through so much over the last several weeks.

    I think of you often. Take care, A

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  29. Thank you for your willingness to be real Sara. If I were there I would offer you acupuncture to help you to "hop back in". It's helped me and many others, perhaps there is someone closer than Colorado? Meanwhile keep breathing (and ironing... AND enjoying yummy wine).

    All the love and warm thoughts.
    Pamela

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  30. Absolutely understand girlie. We miss you but get that these things spin things a bit out of whack and it can take time to get back on track. Hang in there...

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  31. I don't have anything groundbreaking to add. It takes time and allowing yourself to have that time and space to heal. Just know I and obviously many others love ya lots and are here for you in any way. And there's no time stamp expiring that. Bisous!

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  32. Thinking of you always...

    I found the fog doesn't clear until eventually your life takes on a new kind of normal...never like it used to be but a new way to be that lets you be.

    You remain in my prayers for a peaceful heart. Thank you for sharing a photo of the beautiful little button - so precious!

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  33. Its funny, you left a (very nice) comment on my blog last night and I thought-its 6 am. What in the world is she doing up?!! I am not an early bird though.

    Glad to see that you are slowly getting back into a routine. The vacuuming is mind cleansing (I know, Ari is shedding right now too.)

    xoxo

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  34. Sara,
    I've never heard a more perfect description of where you are right now. I can see you waiting and watching to hop back in. We'll be here when you're ready.

    And look at that baby! Oh. My. Goodness.
    love,
    a x

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  35. my mom to this day is still greatly affected by the passing of her mom. it was a long time ago. i was maybe 8 or 9. now something will happen and she smiles a certain way. i know right away that shes thinkin of "naana"and a tear falls down her cheek. think its because whatever memory that was triggered was a good one. something her brain wanted to relive. i bet that will happen to u as well. the "smiley tears". and i bet your dad would like it best that way. so of course take things slow and baby steps and stuff but also enjoy the fact that u are an emotional being. some people go their whole lives without having a real father figure to love and miss. and real memories to cry over :-)

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  36. Thanks to you all for your kindness and encouragement. BISOUS x

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  37. Sara Louise, take care about yourself. It is important.

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  38. Hey Sara - in times like these, I think it's important to sit back and let the world keep spinning. Let yourself feel whatever it is your feeling and embrace, don't try to jump out of it. In time, you'll find yourself catching up naturally.

    You're in my thoughts!

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  39. Oh Sara, I wish I could give you a hug. It breaks my heart, and I can't begin to fathom what it must actually feel like. I'm thinking of you!

    On a lighter note, La Petite is SO FREAKING CUTE! I love her. Loveeee her.

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  40. =(

    I would love to fill this comment with words of encouragement and compliments on your writing style... but things are hitting a little too close to home right now. But I'll try...

    I'm sorry for your loss, and for the pain and the emptiness you feel. Trying to imagine being in your situation makes my chest ache in the worst way. My father's father died when he was 17. He told me once, "You never really get used to living in a world without your father in it, you just learn to live there."

    Right now his mother is sick, so not only am I waiting for my very last grandparent to pass, but it's putting my mother and father's age into a harsh light. They're the old ones now. I'm about to get married and start a family of my own, and they'll be the old roots on the family tree. I'm very close to both of them, so trying to stomach their mortality right now is difficult.

    Add to that the fact that I've always identified a little too much with your blog posts, and tend to watch your life as a sort of "coming soon" for my own...

    Well, it seems I was able to write something. Sorry it came gushing out all over your comment board instead of in my own blog. Your spectacular way with words does that to me. When I read the way you turn a phrase, or cleverly use a fragment sentence, I remember what I love about writing.

    Sympathy, admiration, love... all of these,
    -L

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  41. Thanks for sharing this Sara, it was all so eloquently put, even with a touch of humor - which is how we get through a lot of things in life! When my grandmother passed, I did a lot of the walking in circles too, hard to find the "right time" to get back in that double-dutch rhythm, but that's more than understandable.
    Until then, enjoy some more Housewives time...Danielle is totally loca! bon weekend :)

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  42. I'm so, so sorry about your father...I do hope you can start sleeping soon and feel a little better....xv

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  43. oh i'm so sorry for your loss. i can begin to imagine the thoughts and feelings but i want to echo the sentiments of the others...that come back when you're ready because we'll be here.

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  44. You have been on my mind....I know it is hard when you get get your mind to rest. I have that sometimes and it brings on insomnia for me. I usually have to stop my hectic routing and try and go to bed and get 9 hrs sleep for two weeks straight. It take sme two weeks to get on track when I hit a bump in my life. Stress, family fueding or work headaches....Ya know, the crummy things that pop up. Everyone is right though; we'll be here when you feel like venting!

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  45. i 'saw' my mother a lot after she passed, years ago. thinking back, it was comforting.

    blessings to you during this difficult time, dear sara.

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