Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Sara Louise: Fly Assassin

I'm a ninja.

Since summer is on full blast in Le Petit Village (not complaining, that winter was a beyotch), besides the sock and sandal wearing tourists, another breed has arrived; the fly kind (no, not Superfly, that would be dope though).

{fly on holiday}                                        

Flies. As in those little annoying winged flying things.

Our house doesn't have screens on the windows. Whenever a window is open, a new fleet of little flying aholes arrive; ready to land on the table, the wall, me, and to really piss me off, something I'm eating.

The windows are always open. Every one of them, all the time. It's wicked hot here and there's no AC. I'm actually praying for Monsieur Mistral so I can get a little air in here.

I hate flies. Hate them. They all deserve to be destroyed.

There are a few methods to ensure mass destruction of those pesky buggars...

*That awful hanging tape where little fly corpses stick on display. No thank you. These just don't seem very hygienic to me. Little dead fly bodies decorating your living room. Gross.

*Bug spray. This is good. Although the smell gets me a little woozy because I have a tendency to get trigger happy (I'm like the end of Scarface). 

*Fifty. He loves trying to kill flies. But letting him loose is not that great of an idea. Although it is non-stop fun watching him bite at the air. I'm getting worried about the furniture that he's slamming his body into as he throws on the breaks and skids across the floor.

*A dish towel. This is my preferred method. I'm a ninja with that thing. One quick snap and game over (in a stealth like fashion... never even saw me coming... suckers).

*Nunchucks and Chinese Stars. (not yet, I'm still waiting for the ones I ordered on the internet). 

I'm beginning to worry about my sanity a bit. I get a lot of enjoyment from the death of these little fly aholes and do a lot of trash talking in the process....

"yeah, how you like me now?"

"that's right, tell your friends" 

"wax on wax off bitches"

In the immortal words of Vanilla Ice... 

"slice like a ninja cut like a razor blade"

I'm out.

Word to your mother.



P.S. I had a side of crazy with my lunch today.


  1. "P.S. I had a side of crazy with my lunch today."

    Yes... It shows!

  2. Ha! Best post ever. Made me laugh. Hate those little buggers too. I read if you pour a dish of beer/wine, they'll be attracted to the scent, then get drunk and drown in it. Possibly something to stick outside, just under the window, so you don't actually have to see it until you want to. Course, that's not as fun as drinking the alcohol, then tipsily swapping the flies...

  3. I love a side of crazy with my lunch each day... it's an everyday occurance!!!

    Flies are crazy little munchkins... but for me the problem is spiders... my apartment complex is having an envasion of creepy-crawly-only-come-out-at-night-block-party-spiders, and I hate them.

    Thanks for letting me rant. :)

  4. Thanks for the laugh. I use hairspray, works pretty good ;)

  5. LOL you are hilarious! And for the record, how does one go about ordering a side of crazy? I think maybe I could use some ;)

  6. Vanilla Ice!! Ohhhh memories. My roomie and I had a serious fly problem at our old house our fix was we found these triangular cardboard deals that were open at one end. Inside there was poison and coated with a sticky substance. We placed them in the corner of the windows and they worked brilliantly.

    I don't blame you about not wanting the tape thing- those are pretty nasty. As are socks and sandals worn together. *shudder*

  7. I have nothing constructive to comment, only that you made me snort diet coke out my nose from laughing so hard.

    Memo to self: don't read Sara Lousie's blog when eating and/or drinking. The laptop will never recover.

    Yo VIP - let's kick it.

  8. It's wasps we've got here. I envy your towel snapping skills.

  9. Hate them too... but your methods are pretty much the best I've heard on how to get rid of those little creepers. now I can't wait to try them, especially with the dish towel *grins evilly*

  10. It's the mosquitoes we can't stand. Someone on our blog suggested geraniums worked. Apparently.

  11. LOL I don't know if it truly works, but I've heard if you hang a bag of water (like a Ziplock) from any open doorway or window, the flies don't like it and will stay away. It's something about the reflection of it... I don't know. But you might try it??

  12. I am going to make sure that I order up a "side of crazy" with my lunch more often! Thanks for the laugh and the lemonade I just spewed all over my computer -- hah!

  13. So i read this: you take a zip lock baggie ( do you have them there?) fill half way up with water and drop in a few pennies. I quess you close them and hand them up by the windows apparently the magnification of the pennies under water drives the flys away. I dunno, try it ninja girl.

    Beats washing dish towels constantly!

  14. I assume you have ruled out flamethrower for the insurance hassles. As per your sanity " In the truly insane society, the truly sane person will appear to be truly insane." Mr Spock 1968. A logic I try to live my life by.

  15. Do you know that flies poop every time they land?
    I knew a guy who could shoot an elastic across the room to kill them. He was a good friend to have - although your towel-snapping skills sounds pretty lethal too!

    If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
    Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it

  16. this is one of your best posts to date!!!


    something worse than everything you have said is when you have just got to sleep and they come dive bombing onto your face
    when your really tired in the morning and all you can hear is that STUPID buzzing



  17. Tho the Psycho killer songs leaps into my mind again....

  18. The hanging ziplocs are common around taco stands here in texas.. I tried it and it worked, sort of,although I was cobnfused about how many to hang, how many, and where to hang them...
    That us why they sell all of those nets at the cover your food. First time I saw them the street vendors were selling them in cape town, and I thought ,really do people need them so badly... Btw they don't poop when they land.... They throw up... Good post! I can only imagine the entertainment you are providing the tourists peeping in ur windows on heavy fly days... Xxoo

  19. The flies here have been horrible! I don't know how they get into the house.. I do the proper amount of flailing my arms when coming in or going out. .. yet they get in! Even the dogs who normally catch them have given up and quit on me.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog, I'm glad you did, because now Ive found your blog because of it.

  20. Hahaha! Ninja stars! Chuck Norris could totally kill a fly dead with ninja stars. Yeah, they are really bad where I'm at too. Living in close proximity to horse and cow...matter...guarantees the swarms are extra gross. My cats are major fly killers in our regular apartment, but out here they quickly tired of doing their fly killing duties after about ten minutes when they realized "kill one, and twelve more show up in it's place". Total madness.

  21. Cant wait to visit France and meet all those flies. NOT! Good thing there is a Super Ninja Fly Assassin. Eilo

  22. Oh my gosh. I totally agree about the flies. The worst part is when you are trying to enjoy a nice, relaxing dinner outside and the fly is everywhere at once. Good luck to you!

  23. Get em' cowgirl! You can take the girl out of Texas but.....

  24. 1. fill a ziplock (zeeplach) with tap water
    2. hang it from the ceiling with a string

    flies hate dat shit. at least mexican flies do.

  25. I noticed someone mentioned beer/wine. I don't know if it works as well for house flies, but I used to get really pesky fruit flies thanks to the shrubbery outside my old apartment. They would be EVERYWHERE. Drove me nuts. They were always attracted to the lighted mirrors in my bathroom. I eventually got to the point where I would just go in and do my own fly ninja kills.

    But still, I had an issue. So when I had uprisings from the fly masses, I would leave old wine sitting out that was just starting to ferment with a drop of dish soap. Worked like a great fly motel...they'd be attracted to it, and drown. Kind of gross but at least you don't have fly carcasses out there.

    I would also recommend citronella candles around entrances and exits to ward them off, but those smell kind of nasty and would produce more heat.

  26. my dog snaps at the flies too, but he's lazier than Fifty. No body slamming into the furniture. My fly countrol is husband with a good old fly swatter. He's a great marksman, but he never cleans up their filthy little smashed bodies. Guess he thinks that's my job. totally gross. I'm impressed you can get em with a towel!

  27. I laughed my head of at your comment "sandal and sock wearing tourists" true! It's such a lovely fashion statement....NOT!

  28. I just read this aloud to my hubby while he's been creating a little fly graveyard in our living room...pure inspiration.


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