Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Psycho Killer Qu'est Que C'est

First there was the original Baby. A wee white bear that came home with Fifty on his first day in Le Petit Village. A little present to make him feel comfortable and loved.

After about a month, Baby was looking pretty nasty (as you would if you spent a month coated in puppy saliva) and I threw him in the washing machine. From then on, Baby got weekly washings. He would be dried on top of the radiator with Fifty anxiously waiting. When he was dry Fifty would walk over and I'd put Baby back in his mouth and he'd curl up on the floor.

It didn't take too many washes for the squeaky noise inside Baby to disappear. There was a whistling wheeze for a bit, and then nothing.

Sometime around January, I noticed that Baby had been gnawed on quite a bit. Every week when I retrieved Baby from Fifty's little house (Chez Fifty as we like to call it) he looked worse. Clearly Baby was no longer for cuddles. Fifty was slowing torturing Baby to death by chewing.

Eventually I made the shocking discovery; Baby was as headless as Anne Boleyn (I've been watching reruns of The Tudors lately). There was only one thing to do, lay Baby to rest in the trash can. It was a sad day.

I scolded Fifty and told him that he shouldn't torture and kill his friends.

An innocent Fifty and Baby in happier times.

Next was the toy. A braided circle of thick rope.

It held up pretty well transitioning from a circle to a half circle with long bits of rope hanging from it. Fifty would put it in his mouth and whip it around. You didn't want to get struck in the leg while that thing was being whipped about. If it had little metal balls on the end it would have been perfect for a flailing (not that I've ever flailed, but I saw that albino do it in The Da Vinci Code).

Eventually the flailing toy went the way of Baby...

Fifty. Caught Red Pawed
Flailing toy carcass and it's killer

Because I'm a softy and Fifty was sans Baby and toy it was time for something new.

Last weekend, The Husband and I struggled in the dog toy section of the pet store. There was a cuddly looking cow that I wanted and a long eared doggy that The Husband liked. I didn't want him whining on a Saturday so we came home with the doggy.

It wasn't too bad. Not the original Baby by any means but it looked sturdy enough and made two different squeaking noises; a high pitched one when his head was squeezed and a low pitched one when you squeezed his little doggy butt.

Less than a day after having him, I found these, on the floor...

Exhibit A. Doggy Eyeballs

In case you are unfamiliar with the anatomy of a stuffed doggy, these are eyeballs.

Clearly, Fifty's insatiable appetite for torture had returned.

But this time, the torturer would become the torturee...

Monday morning and The Husband returned with Fifty from their morning walk.

"Does he look ok to you?" he asked (The Husband was asking, not Fifty).

"A little tired, but I'm sure he's ok."

He was ok until the noises came.

Fifty was making cat hair ball noises.

(Cat hair ball noises sound bad enough from a cat. Can you imagine them from a 50lb puppy? Gross)

And then... (feeling squeamish... now is the time to look away)

Exhibit B. Regurgitated Doggy Innards

It was the size of a fist but I wasn't sure what it was.

Until I found doggy.

Doggy too had met his demise...

Exhibit C. Tortured, Eyeless, Disemboweled Doggy

Doggy had been disemboweled and Fifty had coughed up the evidence.

He was pretty sick for the rest of the day.

I'd love to say he's learned his lesson

but you can't teach a Psycho Killer new tricks.

fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa



  1. Ahhhh stuffed toy disembowlment... the memories, the money spent on new toys, the ickiness.

    Yeah it's not a pretty sight is it? And you're right, he will probably do it again. Hopefully next time you can intervene before he eats enough of the inside to induce vomiting later on.

  2. Better it came out his mouth, than the other end, mais non? :)

  3. Habebi - A 'No Bébé Decree' has been issued so it's only pig ears and bones from here on out

    AnotherDayofCrazy - How very right you are :-)

  4. Dude, I snickered through this whole post...those eyeballs simply killed me.

  5. I think I'm in love with Fifty! Too bad the French aren't into yard sales the same way Americans are, or else Fifty would have as many dismemberable stuffed animals as he desired, for 25 cents apiece.

    Thanks for checking out our blog, we're excited to get to know yours as well! All of those shots of the Provençal countryside . . . drooling . . .

  6. So cute... better a toy than one of your favorite shoes! Thanks for visiting Inspired Design & for your sweet comment! I am following you as well too... what a fun blog! ~Debby xo

  7. O The Horror. You guys are an episode of Dexter. Teach him to kill responsibly, S.L. It is your duty.

    Jeez, he's a cutie.

  8. It's hard to pretend to be working on a wedding proposal at work while I am laughing aloud, over and over. Finally forced to share source of hilarity with work mate, now we're both laughing aloud. If we're fired we will be moving in with you in The Petit village house. But we won't be bringing any chew toys with us!

  9. Poor Fifty. All he wanted to do was to show his love - for baby, and ring, and chewdog. He just doesn't know when to stop. Fortunately, chew dogs are replaceable, whereas the legs or your table are not. (Does that sound like hte voice of experience? Well, yes, it is!)

    Try finding some cheap new toy in multiples, and when the first one gets raggedy, exchange it for the second one, and so on, and so on...
    'cause Fifty ain't gonna quit chewing until he loses his teeth! Enjoy!

  10. Fifty is cute times fifty. Better for his delicate system not to try and digest squeeky toys though! Maybe stick with the bones? Or the dog rings made of rubber. Some you can fill with peanut butter, too. Dogs love 'em.

  11. I found that once a stuffed doggy toy has an open area I remove all the inside filling. It is flat but still loved by the poochies. In fact I saw the local Petco here sells a flat(empty) dog toy...

  12. ohhh nooooo! our little alli went through something similar when she was a puppy except she was crazy enough to swallow a whole ROCK. it was big enough that it couldn't.... ummm, pass.... so she had to have surgery.

    we now have the x-ray of the rock in her little belly on display. it's quite a conversation piece.

  13. I'm with the others...better the toys than your shoes or furniture. Get him another victim ASAP.

    You know, we used to roll up dirty (worn but not nasty...they like the scent) socks and give them to our puppy. She carried them everywhere. Maybe give her an old pair.

  14. Souvenirs, souvenirs... Nina's Secret: Once she chewed ALL my bras which were lying down for drying!! Such a girl, with an obvious taste for lingerie!!
    Kong's toys are the most resistant but they're not great for cuddling unless you wrap them with an old sweater or sock (bonus: Fifty will be happy to have your smell!!). Or you can become a sewing surgeon for his favorite toys!

  15. Eew. I know why I don't let little L chew the buttons off her clothes. It would only end very, very ugly.

  16. That poor chew toy didn't have a chance. Ha ha!


  17. Crusoe's toys in the past have only lasted minutes, after years of extensive research the only two things that are durable enough to withstand his jaws are small rugby balls and those rubber teeth cleaning balls.


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